Renee Dubeau



December 2020

I Called Fourteen Hospitals Last Night, Looking for My Suicidal Friend.

“I love you. Thank you for always being there for me.” Her text message took my breath away. Somehow I knew she was trying to say, “goodbye”. I responded, but she didn’t reply. A mutual friend called to tell me... Continue Reading →

What If My Self-Loathing Had Nothing To Do With Me?

Peeling back the layers of my shame and self-sabotage. My mom died in February. To say we had a complicated relationship would be an understatement. While mother was in the hospital, my sister and I were scrambling to get our... Continue Reading →

I Chose to Stay.

1–800–273–8255 if you or someone you love is having thoughts of suicide. I’ve been there before. Depressed. Overwhelmed. Hopeless. I’ve felt alone, abandoned, unloved. I’ve been so deep in my own self-loathing I couldn’t see a way out. I couldn’t... Continue Reading →

Two Years Ago I Was Crowd Surfing At A Metal Show. Tonight I’m Blowing Bubbles For My Cat.

Maybe it’s middle age. Maybe it’s quarantine. I swear to all the gods it was an accident, and alcohol may have been a factor when I crowd surfed for the first and last time, at forty years old. I was... Continue Reading →

Dear Dystopian Writers, Can You Like… Not?

Remember back at the beginning of the shut down, when people were still (mostly) rational and sane? Remember when the grocery store shelves went bare due to panic hoarding? Remember how people started freaking out and America descended into unimaginable... Continue Reading →

When the Most Wonderful Time of the Year… Isn’t. Bringing some light to the dark days of December.

The holiday table can be a place of joyful feasting with our loved ones. Or, it can be a painful reminder that there is an empty chair this year, where someone we miss desperately should be. It can be the place where someone gets drunk, makes and ass of themselves and starts drama that will last from Thanksgiving dinner until the midnight toast on New Year's Eve. If it's a dramatic display, we'll still be talking about it next Christmas...

Blog at

Up ↑